Dita Von Teese’s 10 Golden Rules for Valentine’s Day Lingerie

Photo: Courtesy of Dita Von Teese / @ditavonteese

While this fashion writer has what some may call a “congested” closet, I’ll admit that my delicates drawer is somewhat . . . lacking. Besides having championed the, ahem, perks of being braless and quite flawless, I never thought lingerie qualified as seasonal investment pieces, like, say, a shearling coat. After all, you don’t often wind up wearing underpinnings for that long—well, not if you’re lucky.

But Dita Von Teese, the glamorous burlesque dancer, lingerie connoisseur, author of beauty tome Your Beauty Mark, and ultimate seductress, has had me reconsider all that. Before taking the stage in a Zac Posen waist-whittling skirt to host the annual Femmy Awards, which honors purveyors in the lingerie business, Von Teese shared her insights on how to shop for lingerie properly and heat things up for Valentine’s Day—regardless if you have a date or not. Because, as she reminds us, seduction has nothing to do with other people, but is all about creating your own look.

Photo: Courtesy of Dita Von Teese / @ditavonteese

A girl’s first piece should be in black lace . . .
Black lace is sophisticated, elegant, and erotic all at once, and it looks terrific on every woman. I say invest in a gorgeous set. Buy a bra that fits very well, plus two to three pairs of matching underwear, with varying shapes to add versatility to your wardrobe. The underwear needs to have double the life of the bra, so it’s smart to buy duplicates. Bonus points for the garter belt!

. . . But don’t be fooled by size tags.
Never buy underwear that is too small just because you like what the tags say. Try everything on, taking care not to buy things that are too tight. If being a different size than you want to be puts your panties in a bunch, cut out the tags. Cut the tags out regardless, actually.

Your bra drawer should pop!
A bra-and-underwear set in a bold, unexpected color is the best first purchase to start your collection. Red, fuchsia, teal blue, green—vibrant, joyful colors! I love opening my drawer to an array of colorful lace and satin. As much as I love black lace, I think color adds a sense of playfulness and adventure to your lingerie wardrobe.

A corset over a waist trainer—any day!
Well, there’s a lot of misinformation about what a waist trainer is and what it isn’t, and there are all kinds of companies making these strange stretchy waist-training corsets. It’s important to look past the trendy celebrity-endorsed products—you can’t shape your waist with a Lycra corset, and that’s what they are all talking about.

Waist shaping can be accomplished with a true corset, which should be custom-made to your measurements. It is also no substitute for diet and exercise, and waist training doesn’t happen overnight; it takes a bit of time. I suggest looking to long-established corset brands like Dark Garden Corsetry or Mr. Pearl, and avoid all the new companies trying to jump on the bandwagon.

Photo: Courtesy of Dita Von Teese / @ditavonteese

Stockings for winter keep your legs cozy—and sexy!
Everyone knows that I love fully fashioned seamed stockings. I even have my own collection. I wear these a lot during the wintertime, and when it’s really, really cold, I love extra-long thigh-high cable-knit stockings. They’re like sweaters for the legs.

Let garter belts be your Valentine’s Day Gift to Bae.
Garter belts and stockings are the perfect thing to try! Wear them the French way: underwear over the top of the garter belt, not under. Black stockings and a black garter belt are sophisticated and erotic. Invest in good-quality pieces. I wear garters in everyday life, so the ones from my collections are very functional and made with six straps and power mesh to keep stockings in place. I have a drawerful of cute garter belts from luxe brands that are only really wearable for photo shoots, so when I created my own line, I set out to make garters that function properly. I’d say garter belts are my specialty.

Don’t keep your lingerie hidden—show it off for the holiday!
I do love lingerie as outerwear. In high school, my go-to look was a 1950s slip with a cardigan sweater! And I love a bustier worn with a pencil skirt. I often wear my bustiers with tuxedo pants or slim-fit capri pants and a cardigan sweater or tuxedo jacket. I also have a few very low-cut dresses that I like to wear with a lace-trimmed bra so that the edges peek out of the top of the dress.

Showing (and wearing) less can always be more.
This is the beauty of lingerie! No matter what your personality is, you can be whomever you want underneath it all. I don’t bare much skin offstage; I like my hemlines below my knee, and I like dresses with shapely lines that might show a touch of cleavage, if any. My “uniform” for seduction is a shapely black dress with French-heeled seamed stockings, sexy black pumps in patent or matte leather, and black leather opera gloves. It’s mysterious and sensual at the same time.

Photo: REX Shutterstock

Valentine’s Day as a single girl is prep time!
I’ve spent many a Valentine’s Day as a single girl—single time is prep time! The ultimate seductress practices in everyday life and knows that it’s not about finding ways to reel someone in or hunt. Seduction at the highest level comes from designing your own attractive world that others want to be a part of. Creating a poetic, beautiful living space that you enjoy is important. I call mine the Lair of Seduction! It’s a place with beautiful, flattering, light, sensuous textures—all things that make me feel good. It starts with considering what makes you feel good and reveling in it for your own pleasure. It’s the same with lingerie. There’s no reason to store your sensuality on a shelf if you’re single. This is the time more than ever to stay in touch with pleasures. Read sexy books, wear your good perfume, update your lingerie wardrobe, and make your living space sexy so that you’re ready for a partner when the time is right.

But, ultimately, effortlessness is the most alluring.
We don’t have to choose between glamour and function. I consider every piece in my own lingerie line for its comfort and functionality in my wardrobe. I never put lingerie on for a man. Ever since I was a little girl, I saw lingerie as something that was symbolic of womanhood and femininity. My first job was working in a lingerie store when I was 15, so perhaps I have a different point of view than some, but I always saw lingerie as a moment of beauty and luxury for myself. Of course, in later years I learned how to use it in the game of seduction, but ultimately, my early relationship with lingerie is what I think makes me good at seduction, both on and off stage. I like it when things appear to be effortless—and they are effortless when practiced!

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For Valentine’s Day and every day

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Holidays serve many purposes: they mark the year’s passing, they bring people together, they stimulate the economy and they almost always include chocolate. Usually, though, women make more of a fuss about holidays than men — maybe because women handle most of the preparations.

I’ve met a lot of attached men who say they don’t have much time for “Hallmark holidays” like Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, when (they say) all the restaurants offer specials at inflated prices. At the same time, at least on Valentine’s Day, they’re also likely to arrive home feeling romantic, perhaps hoping for a decadent Valentine’s meal on the table. After all, decadent eating is more fun with two. Believe it or not, so is cooking.

Fellows, if you want to show your partner you love her, ignore the commercial messages. Never mind the itchy lacy lingerie, the big box of caloric chocolates to share, or the latest home appliance–– unless she’s specifically asked for it. Valentine’s Day is about loving gestures like drawing a heart in the snow on her car (or better still, clearing it off). Or holding her hand like you’re the luckiest lover in the world. Or making or choosing a greeting card to make her smile.

Most women plan their days and their lives around their family duties in a way most men don’t, a fact that has remained true since 1978, when I started studying who does the housework. Of course, back then most women identified first as housewives and mothers, even if they had significant careers. In the 1950s, learned professors and clerics argued seriously that women were innately, genetically, predisposed to enjoy housework.  

In 1975, British sociologist Ann Oakley blew away such absurd assumptions with her survey finding that 70 per cent of women said they didn’t like housework, a finding that has been replicated many times over, including by me. Recently (in 2014), I interviewed 54 women my age across Canada for my seventh book project. Among the questions I asked them was, “What is your approach to food?” Most replied, essentially, “I cook from scratch,” and usually with a minimum of fuss.

But here’s the switch: about 20 per cent said, “My partner’s a better cook.” I also happen to know a few men who are caring for seriously ill wives, standing by them, although the majority of men don’t. And I rejoice, sometimes I even dance on the sidewalk, when I see a father deftly shepherding children. Fellows, if you’re in one of those categories, what I’m about  to say does not apply to you, because you already know it.

I have sad news to break to the rest of the true believers: I’m sorry, guys, the House Elf exists only in Harry Potter stories. Dinner doesn’t magically appear on the table. Dishes don’t magically clean themselves, nor does the magic laundry hamper somehow return stacks of clean neatly folded clothes to your bedroom. The reason your partner’s bustling around while you’re watching TV? That’s how the work gets done. The extent to which you ignore essential daily chores is the extent to which your partner pays with her own time, her earning power, and possibly her health.

Men’s health benefits dramatically from having a devoted partner who looks after them. Married men live longer and fare better in almost every indicator than single men. Women also benefit from good marriages — but generally speaking, even including finances, not nearly as much as men. Indeed, one report says marriage (let’s say partnership) is five times as beneficial for men as for women.

Bad partnerships are destructive to both men and women, but more so for women, significantly raising the risk of heart disease, according to the journal Health Psychology. We’re not even talking about the risks of childbearing. For most women, partnership increases stress.  

Stress is related to expectations. We all face frustration and challenges at work — and most women do earn their own money these days — but a guy who comes home from work frustrated usually expects to find dinner on the table. Women come home to a “second shift” of work in the home, even if the male partner is unemployed. A recent post at Slate says women spend an average of three more hours a day than men on invisible House Elf work. Men would rather sit on the couch watching TV and eating bon-bons — er, chips — according to the article.

Look at things this way: a woman who spends the day working for money and the evening working on chores is likely to be tired by the time she puts her feet up… and not much interested in romance. She might even be folding laundry or building a homework diorama long after her partner dozes off or heads to bed. And unless you’re trading off shiftwork hours, the very idea that housework keeps her up late should set off your own alarm bells. Women need sleep too.

All of which is not to scold anyone, but to point out the opportunities to earn her surprised and sincere gratitude by relieving her obligations — so you can sweep her off her feet. Turn off the TV. Step up. Work alongside her. Follow her lead. You might learn a lot about how your household runs — like where the cleaning supplies and baking pans are kept.

Have you ever seen Prof Mark Gungor’s explanation of the difference between men’s brains and women’s brains? Gungor says that men’s brains are organized in boxes — “a box for the job, a box for you, a box for the kids… hundreds of boxes. And the Number One rule is that the boxes don’t touch.” But men’s favourite box, he says, “is the Nothing box.” Men like to park themselves in the Nothing box and not think at all. Whereas, he says, women’s brains are like electric globes, always crackling with arcs of energy from one point to another. When a guy is in his Nothing box, he doesn’t even see the housework — whereas a woman’s crackling brain can see nothing but chores that need to be done.

So here’s an easy and meaningful way for a guy to show some caring and appreciation: get out of that Nothing box, open your eyes, and stop believing in the House Elf. Share the housework. It will get done in half the time, once you learn to work together. You’ll learn how to take care of yourself, or both of you, if something should happen to her. Most of all, she’ll feel lighter, freer, happier — and very glad to have you for her partner. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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