Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Shock Therapy

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta things were shocking, in the invisible fence way. Invisible fences are harder to climb over, as the ladies found out. 

Cynthia Bailey had a dream and that dream is rapidly becoming a nightmare. Because Cynthia is going into business with Peter to open the new Bar One!

Misguidedly, Cynthia is honored that Payday Loan Peter, chose her checking account and she will no longer be a silent fibroid, but a living, breathing bank account. The delusion: it runs deep – certainly deeper than the zeros in ol’ CB’s savings account. Who does Peter think he is married to - NeNe Leakes?!

Cynthia has a dream and that dream is that people do not believe rumors about how she finances all his foolish shenanigans and he married her for a TV show,  free vodka, and VIP strip club access.

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Cynthia and Peter check out a location that looks like a toxic waste dump, but behind it is a funeral home, where according to Peter’s business partner side eye, Martin Luther King Jr.’s body resided there while awaiting burial. Something tells me this business partner attended the same Black History class as Porsha Williams. Peter turns to Cynthia and asks her to get her checkbook out. He doesn’t have it already? Now everyone hop on the Underground Railroad, get off at the stop labeled “Bar None”, and proceed to the exit labeled Reality Check. Stay there – a long while. Talk to Kenya Moore in the waiting room. 

Later Cynthia and Peter confront more rumors that their business is as much a failure as their marriage - they are moving Bar One because the owners of the building are impossible. Cynthia rambles about the strength of their marriage and how no one believed in them (they still don’t!), but look at them now making it against the odds of so many failed businesses. Cynthia – I know you went to some self-help seminar about standing by your man, or maybe you want Couples Therapy to call you, but lady, you doth protest too much. And you’ve been married like 4 years, wouldn’t exactly call that making it against all odds, but betting on Peter probably has worse odds than craps in Vegas or the Powerball, so what do I know. 

Kandi Burruss invites Claudia Jordan to be a guest on Kandi Koated Nights – now redesigned with leftover RHOA reunion furniture, props not included. Claudia walks into Kandi’s office and upon spotting the red sofa that looks like it’s made from the same shiny plastic material as a red Solo Cup, gushes that she loves Kandi’s taste. Of course she does, Solo Cups are Claudia’s only home decor item, Kandi tells her about the guy that repurposes them into furniture.

Claudia loves talking about sex so naturally she’s perfect for KKN. The topic is mixing business with pleasure in relationships. Since Todd joined Kandi Koated Industries he has bigger goals, wants things to get classier and more professional, and now all they talk about is business. Case in point, there is Todd behind the camera acting all producer-y like he has a job or something, Mama Joyce. Speaking of which, wasn’t it so nice to have an MJ reprieve this week?!

Kandi asks Claudia if she’s ever hooked up with Jamie Foxx (No). Then asks if Claudia would make out with her for $500 (Yes). Uh-oh – is this another RHOA marriage scandal?! Is Claudia hitting on Todd’s lady; will she be propositioning her and sexting her and calling her babe. So inappropriate! Claudia you harlot, hussy, jezebel, hoe – apparently that all may be true but not where Kandi is concerned. 

Speaking of which, Claudia reveals she knows Porsha’s mysterious Nigerian, because “their African friends are mutual.” Claudia dishes that Porsha’s Nigerian has several Porshas – and she doesn’t just mean cars – which means Claudia was once one of those “Porshas” and has now been replaced with a newer model? Is Claudia the Mysteri0 Nigerian Fantasy Prince Connect. Is she running some sort of sugar daddy dating service? Cause that actually WOULD be an interesting storyline!  I need more information. Lots more. 

All of this inspires Kandi to throw a Sexology Party. Not to be confused with last season’s pajama party where Apollo beat-up Kenya’s assistant and everyone wore lingerie like the menu described the main course as orgy. 

Kenya gets a smoothie with Aunt Lori to discuss her friendship-ish with NeNe. Kenya crows that Aunt Lori is her own personal guru and she doesn’t need Iyanla to fix her life. I love Aunt Lori, but Krayonce probably needs both Iyanla AND Aunt Lori to fix her life – then add in some psych meds and Jesus for safe measure. It takes a village, it takes a village… 

Phaedra Parks has a nightmare that Apollo might show-up at their home instead of roaming the streets like a zombie, so she is having a security fence installed. As the contractors are discussing plans for a fortress, with moat (containing crocodiles) and a shock fence (now available by Phaedra Sparks – get your husband the collar that will keep him in or out, because everybody knows a man sometimes needs a little zap before he gets too out of line with the mischievous deeds!), Apollo shows up. He follows Phaedra into the house, practically velcroed to her butt – probably because she changed the locks and he wants to get in before it’s too late. He’s pissed that Phaedra is counting him out. Phaedra is pissed because she hasn’t seen Apollo since he had a beard and last she heard he moved into Bar One.

Phaedra and Peter can go into business – he has the mind-control Real Cynthia Doll, and Phaedra is now marketing the FraudPollo Prevention Shock Collar. 

Then Phaedra receives some legal excellence award. She was named one of the best African American Attorneys in the country or something. The banquet was held at the Marriott and specifically staged for this show, but congratulations. Phaedra is not about to let Apollo’s misdeeds overshadow her legal career; she knows people think she’s involved, but she wasn’t – she can still be a successful attorney and run Phunerals By Phaedra even if he is making her look bad. Phaedra and Apollo are just two individual people, recognized in the eye of the law as legally bound to each other as one – in scandals and all. Congratulations! 

At NeNe’s house Gregg has been promoted to package opener, which is a step-up from Basement Troll. He is the prototype for Phaedra’s Huzzzzband Shock Collar. NeNe’s agent calls to offer her 3 different Broadway roles. NeNe wants to play Mary J. Blige (Bwahahahahahahahahahahah!) in Rock of Ages. So, now on RHOA we have Krayonce and NeNe J. Bliusion (N. Bliusion for short). Housewives… I applaud your hubris. Next, Cynthia will be comparing herself to Tina Turner. 

Instead NeNe’s agent thinks she’d be prefect for the role as the Wicked Stepmother in Cinderella (If the shoe fits!). NeNe is shocked – wicked is not her brand. She doesn’t do evil. She’s really gonna have to practice for this. She gets in character at Kandi’s party. 

Porsha is wearing a ballgown (why?) Claudia and Cynthia are wearing varieties of acid-wash jeans, both unflattering (why?), and Kandi has some living doll from the Cynthia Bailey Real Doll collection sprawled out on a table with cupcakes (why?). 

When NeNe shows up, she completely ignores Kenya who tries to hug her hello, barely gives Claudia a passing glance, and then asks Phaedra to hold her hand. For all that icitude, I would think NeNe was wearing a NeNe Leakes Collection Cold-Shoulder Tee (because cross-marketing, hello!), but no instead she’s practicing bitchiness for BROADWAY. It’s a tax writeoff. NeNe compares her Kenya-treatment to a one-night stand, just because she gets with you once doesn’t mean it’s a relationship. 

Claudia emotionally eats chicken wings to deal with the rejection and asks to speak to NeNe privately to confront her about the brush-off.  It was… desperate. NeNe is like, you play for the WRONG TEAM, now shoo. Cynthia is baffled – she thought everyone was getting along now? I Choose Cynthia needs to stop landing on denial and start choosing to THINK. 

Kandi has a sexologist named Dr. Rachel who wants to tie people together. NeNe gets Claudia and complains she has cooties. Eventually she agrees to do it because the other option was Cynthia. NeNe does not choose Cynthia. 

Then they all go around and open up about their relationship status – channeling Facebook realness! NeNe rambled about Gregg. Demetria McKinney stood-up, grinned real big, and shouted: “I AM THE FUTURE MRS. ROGER BOBB! WE ARE SOULMATES! HE NAMED A CHEERIO AFTER ME! HE IS AMAZING ROGERBOBB! ROBERBOBB! ROBERBOBB!” Is there a reason Demetria needs to announce that ROGER BOBB is her man? No one else gave names. Saying it aloud enough times doesn’t makes it true. This girl is… off. 

Dequenchia – sit. down. Literally. Luckily she was actually knocked-down when Kandi’s friend said, “You’ve been dating Roger Bobb for 8 years? That’s funny, because I was dating him exclusively last year and he said he was your manager. The only thing you’ve been for 8 years is a booty call.” 

Dequenchia is shocked. Mouth-open, shocked. It’s Kenya’s turn next, but she just bursts out laughing. This is there real Krayonce. What would she say anyway: My men don’t exist. Except in my head. Alongside my career. 

Demetria runs outside and Cynthia chases her to calm her down. Dequenchia cries that the girl is lying – Roger Bobb loves her. Cynthia is like, of course he does – Peter loves me too! United in delusion; Cynthia and Dequenchia. 

Because of Dequenchia’s mess with Roger Bobbing All Over Town, we didn’t get to hear Phaedra describe her relationship. Which disappoints me – what would she say about her huzzzzzzband? She’s probably secretly dating Roger Bobb too. Or Apollo is running around town with him, chilling at the strip club. 

Next week – Clawdia’s claws come out at Wicked StepNeNe and Dequenchia takes-on Phaedra! 

TELL US – WAS CLAUDIA TOO FORWARD WITH NENE OR IS NENE RUDE? IS ROGER BOBB CHEATING ON DEQUENCHIA (DO WE CARE)?

 [Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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‘The Bachelor’ Season 19 Premiere Recap: Farmer Chris Meets His Women

Bachelor Host Chris Harrison Talks Season 19, Picks 5 Contestants to Watch Out For  

The Ripening of the Cropsnn

After Chris and his GoPro-mounted Harley arrive in LA and maneuver through all the “intimidating” traffic, we get our first shirtless visual during the suit fitting and fashion shoot with corn stalks and bales of hay. It’s not his favorite part, but we should all be so unlucky. Then it’s off to the mansion to prep for the limo arrivals. Unlike in years’ past, Chris will be living right next door to the women, and luckily for us, his new digs are complete with an outdoor shower. nn

He’s going to be himself, but part of him is questioning who really wants to date a farmer from Arlington? As per the usual, I will rate each of the first impressions in one of five ways: memorable-good, normal, memorable-bad, forgettable and memorable-disaster. nn

The champagne is flowing as the first limo pulls up, and lonely sexless waitress Britt is the first one out. They clutch each other in an epic hug that might have saved Jack’s life in Titanic, and he nicknames her “Beautiful Britt.” She gives him a slip of paper that reads “Free hug from Britt” and asks that he find her inside so that she can explain it. Not sure what’s to explain, but man, this chick loves her hugs! Grade: Memorable-good.nn

Baby-making nurse Whitney is next out, and she’s just as giggly as a schoolgirl. “I made it!” she exclaims before giving away a hug preemptively. Gotta whet his whistle with anticipation, Whitney! Like Britt did! Grade: Forgettable, but only because he’s definitely still thinking about Britt. At least she got a “wow” as she walked away. nn

Widowed Kelsey exits the limo, and she’s just a regular girl like he’s a regular guy. Grade: Regular/Forgettable. Though she also gets a “wow.” I hope that doesn’t turn into the equivalent of Andi’s emotional overuse of “y’all.”nn

Megan is a 24-year-old make-up artist from Nashville, and he dubs her “Blondie,” which likely won’t stick based on the number of blonds in the house. But we’ll see. They talk about things being crazy, nervous and fun. Grade: Normal. nn

Freelance journalist Ashley I., 26, has a tough time getting to Chris because her fancy dress is so long, but as far as brunettes go, I’m on board. She seems funny and cool as well. Grade: Memorable-good (for me); Normal (for Chris).nn

The Fun Continues with Limo No. 2nn

Trina is a 33-year-old special education teacher from San Clemente who offers a hearty “Hellooooooo Farmer Chris” as she exits the limo. Grade: Normal.nn

Reegan is a 28-year-old cadaver tissue saleswoman (you’d think that stuff would just sell itself) who approaches with a medical waste cooler. Nothing good happens with a medical waste cooler, unless they’re able to reattach whatever limb or appendage you accidentally severed, but she thinks her job is just super cool. And she wanted to bring something that comes from the heart, so she pretended to bring an actual heart. She’s quick to inform that it’s only a joke, but she never divulges what is actually inside. Grade: Memorable-bad.nn

Tara is a 26-year-old sport fishing enthusiast, which isn’t an actual job, who traded in the usual evening wear attire for cowboy boots and plaid. She didn’t dress up because “this is her,” but you gotta do better than that. If impressions were based on “reality,” every girl would show up to a first date in sweatpants. The other women stare and judge, calling her “Daisy Duke” and “Cowgirl,” then she nervously kicks things off with a Jameson on the rocks before going into hiding. This should be fun. Grade: Memorable-bad/Pending disaster.nn

Amber is a 29-year-old bartender from Chi-town who brought along her teddy bear for comfort and Nikki is a 26-year-old former NFL cheerleader from the Big Apple, but I can’t give either of them adequate grades because the focus is all about Tara changing into more formal attire and sneaking back out front for a second first-impression. While Nikki raves about recently returning from a trip to Peru, Tara hops in the limo before emerging in a black number that shows off her classy upper back tattoo. You can take the girl out of the country…nn

A Note from Limo No. 3nn

Uncertainty arrives with the third limo in the bunch, as the driver takes a letter from the backseat and presents it to Chris. It instructs him to turn around and close his eyes, and when he complies, lives-with-her-mom ballet instructor with crazy eyes Amanda hops out in her Aladdin-inspired dress. She claims he won America over with his secret admirer act, and she thought he deserved a secret admirer of his own. “Nice almost meeting you,” she says before scurrying inside for a performance of Arabian Nights. I hear they’re like Arabian days. I don’t think I need to note the irony of the self-proclaimed crazy girl honing in on one of the few aspects of last season I already mentioned in a negative light. Grade: Memorable-disaster.nn

Buff news producer Jillian is next, and it’s a good thing Chris has experience working with calves. She gropes his previously-shown-off gun and asks if he’s been working out. He has, you minx. Grade: Memorable-good, even though I didn’t like it.nn

Momma Mackenzie greets Chris with a reluctant hug and doesn’t mention her love for Kale. I feel like she is going to have baggage issues. Grade: Forgettable.nn

Brooklyn hairstylist Ashley S., who is 24 but looks much older yet acts much younger, appears lost as she exits the limo. Her eyes look like they were painted on by Margaret Keane. She found a lucky penny on the way in, and ever since she was little, she puts lucky pennies in her shoe. So she puts this one in Chris’ sole. Perhaps she is high on pixie dust. Grade: Memorable-bad.nn

Kaitlyn, 29, is a dance instructor from Vancouver, and I’m confused because I thought the show was called America’s Got Bachelor. She says she doesn’t know much about him other than he’s a farmer named Chris, but he can “plow the f*** out of [her] field any day.” She calls it a sense of humor. I call it awkward. And what’s up with the matching back-of-the-elbow dove tats? Grade: Memorable-disaster. 

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