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I am not a hooker. I am just business savvy.

October 29, 2014 by  
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I am not a hooker. I am just business savvy.

I have never had any interest in prostituting myself and being ostracized by society. Sex should be an emotional, loving and spiritual experience shared between two (or three or four) people. However, because of the rising costs of living, I’ve found it necessary to start charging men for my inconvenience.

Being an “easy” Craigslist girl (and one of the few that’s not a spam bot or email fisher) is very difficult, and I don’t think men understand the personal and professional sacrifice involved in being “nice” when casually dating. Every man on Craigslist wants a woman who’s open minded, dirty-minded, and a little “less” discriminating than average. After all, the more selective we are in holding out for that “special guy” we all want, the less lucky you Craiglist guys get. That means you lonely guys have to post M4W ads at all hours of the night to no particular audience—except of course the bored gay guys that check out your public cock pictures.

So I always ask guys that I find interesting, do you mind helping me to control the rising costs of casual encounters? Most guys have no problem with this, since they are more than happy to pay $60 for a dinner with the mere possibility of a blowjob.

But what I find irritating, and totally understand from a man’s point of view, is why most women insist on a $60 dinner—only to suffer through awkward conversation—instead of spending that cash elsewhere. Few can argue that this is what we’re actually thinking during one of those high priced dinners…

Guy: (Speaks) How’s your wine? (Thinks) She better be worth it.

Girl: (Speaks) Good. How’s yours? (Thinks) Can’t we just fast-forward to the “just friends” conversation and skip all this creepiness?

So what I’ve started doing is rather than accept dates with the implication of the guy paying for dinner, and rather than tease men relentlessly by pretending as if I’m just going to go to their house for random sex because their two-line personal ad with a shirtless pic was just that unbearably sexy, I’m just going to start itemizing the costs of a casual affair. Any man can see that paying a woman for her time invested in you is the gentlemanly thing to do.

My new cost of living schedule goes like this:

  • Non-dinner fee is $50 – The price of a dinner is at least $50 – But I am not going to pretend as if you buying me dinner matters. If I like you, I will blow you for free. If I don’t like you, it doesn’t matter how much you splurge. Because buying extra breadsticks doesn’t make you any hotter. So I figure why not just skip the dinner expense and give me that money in advance for my own personal use? It’s called efficiency, not whoring.
  • $50 – The price of sexy lingerie which you insist I wear rather than unflattering wardrobe of pants, a t-shirt, and tampon combination that I usually wear, not to mention the cheap whore makeup that lights your fire.
  • $45 – The price of gas going to and from Dallas-Fort Worth and to Bumfukc, Texarkana or wherever else you live. I don’t have the luxury of owning a Tesla Car. Now I know some guys have generously offered to meet me at my apartment rather than pay the gas fee, but please understand that having you in my apartment and exposing my plants and cats to your very unique and possibly toxic odors is not necessarily hygienic. I am taking all the risk here. And my $45 gas fee is still cheaper than your very generous offer of a sleazy motel for $55 a night.
  • $30 – For condoms and birth control because a lot of Craigslist guys seem to be bothered when I tell them I am not disease or drama free. In fact, you should be happy I don’t charge extra for no drama, because drama is one of the reasons a gal wants sex in the first place. Don’t pretend as if my lack of drama and my lack of psychotic stalking isn’t an asset in this day and age.
  • $20 for three strikes option. Every girl knows that most guys strike out by the end of the night and most girls will not forgive you for (A) being willfully retarded in conversation and being unable to talk about anything intelligent without sounding like Billy Bob from Sling Blade; (B) sounding like a sex crazed pervert all night and then crying or screaming when I reject you; (C) totally failing at the neuro-linguistic hypnosis strategy you read about, and sounding more like Mr. Rogers on meth when you try to seduce me. It’s not only awkward and sad, but holding back my laughter for so long gives me a migraine, which is another $10 for OTC medication, but INCLUDED in this fee. With the three-strikes option, I actually allow you to make three really stupid mistakes, as 99% of all Craigslist guys do, but will probably have sex with you anyway because you’re nice enough to cover my cost-of-casual sex expenses. If you make four strikes, and say something so stupid and creepy that I haven’t even HEARD it before, then forget it. I’m done. No refunds, no sex. You deserve a cheap generic Fleshlight knock off and a gun to your head afterwards. After all, I am NOT a hooker as I’ve explained several times.
  • $5 – For unlimited email and phone tag while you take time and figure out if you really want to sink this low. I can’t tell you how many guys get so iffy and pussified when we start talking cost of living compensation. Suddenly, it’s big existential crisis time. So let me just save you some time. Yes, you’re soulless. Yes, you’ve hit rock bottom. But at least you’re not going to see a hooker.

In closing, choosing not to pay a casual encounters girl for her time and cost of living is a terribly cheap and anti-feminist thing to do. It makes you look like a total douchebag. You’re probably the type of guy that drives by the homeless and smiles, holding your latte up proud as can be while the poor guy’s starving to death. If you won’t pay for my expenses in being your easy date for the night, then you deserve to either figure out why women don’t like you (but that’ll never happen, right?) or be alone forever. Or no, wait…you can go to Hooters, Twin Peaks, Strip Clubs like you always do and blow hundreds of dollars there for a woman to force a smile at you. Yeah that sounds like you.

Or you can be a gentleman and support feminism the old fashioned way – by opening doors, being nice, and paying your tab in advance.

TOTAL PRICE OF MY GENEROSITY AND PATIENCE: $200 (Best deal in town)

-Anne McNamary

 

(P.S. If you’re dumb enough to think this is a real prostitution ad and not satire please pay another $20 gullibility fee)

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Readers sound off on Ebola, Sandy and speed cameras

October 29, 2014 by  
Filed under Choosing Lingerie

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SALESOUT NARCH EUO 3TPHANDOUT/REUTERS Necessary or excessive?

For 3 weeks, keep to yourself

Putnam Valley, N.Y.: While I applaud nurse Kaci Hickox’s selflessness in going to West Africa to treat Ebola patients, I deplore her crybaby attitude about being quarantined. I’m very sorry that she felt her rights were violated, but I’m glad she didn’t come into contact with any of my children. She knew what she was getting into and it was time for her to put on her big-girl panties and deal. Vicky Golden

Chester, N.J.: While it is critical to have training and protocols for Ebola exposure, the quarantine of travelers from West Africa is simply pandering to public fears. The staff at Bellevue taking care of the heroic physician who traveled to West Africa to treat victims could be on the subway or bus next to you as you read this paper. Remember the stigma around HIV when it was first discovered? Who wouldn’t shake Magic Johnson’s hand today? When did Americans become such wusses? David J. Melvin

Common sense goes viral

Manhattan: Are health workers who travel to Africa to save lives willing to jeopardize lives on their return? Though quarantining asymptomatic nurse Kaci Hickox may be over the top, there must be a middle ground between self-reporting (which in the case of Dr. Craig Spencer put the general public at risk) and automatic quarantining of returning health workers for 21 days regardless of their state of health. Mandating twice-daily medical check-ins for returning health workers might pose a slight inconvenience, but it would be in their interest and secure public safety by catching an infection at its earliest stages. Aliza Laufer

Fear itself

Bronx: NYC subway riders couldn’t care less about an Ebola scare. The only thing that gets their attention is the word “delay”! Sandy Harris

Next to godliness

Manhattan: Here’s something everybody can do to help prevent the spread of disease: Wash your hands. Often. Do this three or more times a day, especially after using bathroom facilities or using mass transit and right before eating. And those of you who bite your nails, make a strong effort to stop. I bit my nails for 13 years, and I managed to quit. Jane Elizabeth O’Connor

Nopera

Manhattan: What has happened to classical opera? To beautiful singing, costumes, scenery, music you could hum as you left the opera house and remember forever? Now we have a Metropolitan Opera general manager who knows nothing about what pleases the knowledgeable opera-going public. His only interest is to make money by updating classical librettos so they are beyond recognition. He has replaced scenery with ladders and beautiful costumes with unflattering dresses of the 1920s and ’30s. We are now given “The Death of Klinghoffer,” an insult to Jews as well as those of us who are starved for some good old-fashioned opera. Thanks for nothing, Peter Gelb. Suzanne Lee

Stop horsing around

Essex, Mass.: Mayor de Blasio and activists want to remove carriage horses from the city. Yet anywhere the horses go, they will lose the regulatory protections that now guarantee their continued excellent care. Sending well-cared-for, healthy working horses into an overburdened, underfunded rescue network puts them at more risk than they’ll ever face on the streets of New York. Banning the carriages is not in the best interest of the horses. Ellen Attridge

The neglect after the storm

Belle Harbor: I wonder if The Associated Press and NORC Public Affairs Research polled any Rockaway residents before concluding that almost three-quarters of those hit hard by Sandy say their neighborhoods have recovered (“72% see Sandy recovery: poll,” Oct. 27). We have no Boardwalk and are a community continually overlooked. Now the mayor is taking away our ferry — the only good thing to come out of superstorm Sandy. Nancy Re

Judge not

Dayton, Ohio: To Linda Stasi (“Christie earns minimum rage,” column, Oct. 26): What difference does it make that Kimberly Guilfoyle once modeled lingerie? That was just one step on her career path — before she studied law and became an attorney; before she became a prosecutor. Some of us have worked delivering pizzas; I once worked as a salesclerk. So what? Stasi took Guilfoyle’s comments about selecting a jury out of context. Of course lawyers think carefully about selecting juries. They have to anticipate where jurors’ sympathies may lie. Guilfoyle’s comments had nothing at all to do with “discriminating against young women.” They were about choosing the appropriate jurors for your case. Nali Rios

The 1% solution

Manhattan: Joel Kotkin’s “Our Emerald City” (Op-Ed, Oct. 26) is misguided. If the top 1%, who saw their annual incomes rise to $716,000, all left the city, statistical “income inequality” would drop dramatically. Yet would that be good for the city — including the poor, who rely upon the wealth generators for everything from jobs to taxes that pay for social services? Conversely, if every billionaire in the world moved to New York and brought with them their spending habits, taxable income, businesses and job creation and other corollaries to great wealth, income inequality would spike, but would that be bad for the city? Edward S. Hochman

Don’t forget baseball

Brooklyn: I am an avid NFL lover, especially of my hometown Steelers — but why isn’t there a code of neatness? So many players on all teams have long hair or braids and beards. Sometimes you can’t read the player name or number on their jerseys. Also, some NBA players have their bodies covered in tattoos. Why don’t the commissioners set up regulations for this? Emily A. Cole

Vick’s worst enemy

Rego Park: Dear Jet fans: Your team loses because of karma. As long as Gang Green is paying an animal-abusing dog murderer, they will not win. It is that simple. Marsha Mageneheim

Shame and the name

Woodstock, N.Y.: With regard to all the fuss being made about changing the Washington football team’s name, let me make sure I have this straight. We steal their land, ravage their women and slaughter their tribes, nearly eliminating their race altogether. Next, we put them on small pieces of land where once-proud peoples are now little more than poor unemployed alcoholics with little or no sense of dignity remaining. Now, we’re pretending to be offended about what name we’re calling them? What a pathetic bunch of hypocrites we are! Douglas Golden

Speed demons

Bellerose Manor: Re my friend Bob Fredrich’s Op-Ed about speed cameras (“Speed cameras just won’t give drivers a brake,” Oct. 19): If he doesn’t want them in his neighborhood, please send them over to my neighborhood and install them on Braddock Ave. in Queens. Union Turnpike and Hillside and Braddock Aves. are Long Islanders’ shortcut around the traffic on the expressway and parkway. School locations or not, cars and trucks approaching 50 mph are the norm during rush hours, with zero enforcement from the NYPD. Once a driver gets his $50 fine, you know he’ll slow it down the next time. Paul Bellisario

We’re dumber one!

Forest Hills: In 2000, the U.S. ranked second among all countries in the share of its population with college degrees. Now, we have dropped to fifth. For ages 25-34, we rank 12th. That makes it pretty clear why we have such idiots in Congress and even stupider people who keep voting them back into office. Jay Stewart

Priceless

Manhattan: As I sat this morning reading the Daily News and drinking my coffee, I thought back to when I was 9 or 10 years old in Chelsea. I am now 70. I recall my father laying down three pennies for The News then, and getting his coffee for a dime. A dime then bought other things like a soda, a comic book or a public phone call. Until 1953, the bus or subway cost 10 cents. Not least was every boy’s favorite, a 10-cent spaldeen for Saturday afternoon stickball games. There were many NYC newspapers back then that are long gone, but the Daily News is still with us at $1.25 on weekdays, and coffee is about $2 for medium size. I guess a cup of coffee and The News are a combination that is not going away. Manny Martin

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