Kevin Costner’s Draft Day may set record for most improbable plot

Remember the thrill you got when 83-year-old Rocky Balboa fought for the heavyweight title in “Rocky VI”? Or when that receiver pulled out a pistol and shot three defenders while scoring a touchdown in “The Last Boy Scout”? Or when hard-luck golf pro Kevin Costner holed a 235-yard shot in “Tin Cup”?

That stuff would never happen in real life unless Aaron Hernandez was trying to score, but it makes for better movies. I bring this up because Costner’s latest sports foray may have just set a record for implausibility.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you “Draft Day.” I don’t want to say you need the sports IQ of a nacho to enjoy the Cleveland Browns drama, but consider some of the plot points (obligatory spoiler alert here):

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• The new head coach arrived from Dallas, where he’d just won a Super Bowl. No, the movie is not set in 1994.

• Costner, the general manager, trades three future No. 1 picks for the top pick in the 2014 draft. He gets his player then bluffs Seattle into trading back the three No. 1 picks and a punt returner.

• After getting the top pick, Cleveland’s GM realizes he didn’t scout the best player in the draft, a quarterback from Wisconsin. OK, maybe that one’s not so implausible.

• Just before the draft, the Browns’ hot, young salary-cap expert tells Costner she’s pregnant with his baby. (Note: most NFL capologists do not have affairs with general managers, no matter how good they look in lingerie).

• Costner’s mother shows up with the urn containing the ashes of his father and demands to spread the ashes over the practice field. A bunch of dead Hall of Famers come out of a corn field at the end and play catch with the urn.

Wait, that was Field of Dreams. Even hardcore baseball fans still get weepy over that one.

Draft Day won’t become a classic, but you might still find it enjoyable if you observe the first rule of sports movie viewing:

Check your brain at the theater door, especially when Rocky VII comes out in 2023.

Wonderlic watch

Speaking of Cleveland blowing picks, draft hype entered its Wonderlic phase last week with the unauthorized release of certain players’ scores.

I don’t want to say the NFL is manipulating the media to keep people talking about the draft, but it is and it’s working. The mock draft world was rattled with the news that Johnny Manziel has the highest score among quarterbacks at 32.

The Wonderlic scale goes from 50 (Einstein) to 0 (insert Mississippi State joke here). It’s fun to talk about, but if it had any bearing on pro careers Ryan Leaf (27) would be in the Hall of Fame and Dan Marino (15) would be selling insurance. Other scores of interest over the years:

Tim Tebow (22), Peyton Manning (28), Eli Manning (39), Percy Harvin (12), Sebastian Janikowski (9), Chris Leak (8).

Blaine Gabbert had 42, roughly the same number of interceptions he threw per season with the Jaguars.

Reason No. 8,492 the Masters is a tradition unlike any other

U.S. ski star Bode Miller was prevented from taking a quesadilla onto the course during the first round. Security stopped Miller as he was leaving a hoity-toity hospitality.

“If you pay $7,500, you ought to be able to bring out a quesadilla,” Miller said.

Despite calls from the New York Times for Augusta National to stop menu discrimination, Masters chairman Billy Payne said the club will not be pressured into offering memberships to minority food groups.

Speaking of food groups, John Daly was again hawking merchandise outside Augusta National’s gates this year. Daly told The Guardian that since undergoing lap band surgery in 2009, he’s down from 28 to a dozen or so Diet Cokes a day. He is up to 40 cigarettes a day. His Wonderlic score is holding steady at 6.

Reason No. 8,493 the Masters is a tradition unlike any other

For $7,500, Miller could have gone to the concession stand and bought 2,000 pimento cheese sandwiches, 1,200 beers and 900 moon pies.

Jerry Greene is plotting his long-awaited return to the Cheap Seats. David Whitley can be reached at dwhitley@tribune.com.

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Thief steals $3K in designer lingerie from Madonna shoot

Somebody has their hands all over the Material Mom’s unmentionables.

A bag loaded with over $3,000 worth of bras, thongs and other undies was lifted from a Madonna photo shoot last month in Manhattan’s Meatpacking District, cops said Friday.

The Queen of Pop posed in the racy lingerie in a March 20 shoot at Highline Stages for Vogue’s Italian magazine for men, L’uomo Vogue. At one point, staff for the shoot’s stylist Arianne Phillips stashed 12 bras valued at $2,545, five thongs worth $345 and four briefs costing $515 in a bag under a chair, they reported to police on April 1. All of the undergarments were on loan from New York-label Deborah Marquit.

“I am at a loss and wish the pieces would be found,” Marquit told the Post. “I am sure there is no one from the shoot that was involved, since nothing like this has ever happened before. [T]here are a lot of people on shoots and maybe whoever found them will return them.”

It wasn’t until the shoot ended around midnight that the stylist’s staff noticed the bag was missing, police said. When they still couldn’t find the bag upon returning to the office, they started to suspect it may have been stolen, according to Esther Matilla, who works for Phillips and filed the original report.

“We checked everywhere,” Matilla told the Post. “We assume that somebody took it — maybe by mistake, but something happened.”

The interns were with the clothes the entire time, she added.

Now Phillips and her team are financially responsible for the missing goods, according to Matilla, who said she will have to pay Deborah Marquit half the value of the lingerie out of her own pocket.

“She has been chasing us like crazy since the very beginning,” Matilla said. “We are desperate; it’s so unfair.”

While Oubiña said they checked with the studio, Highline Stages owner Alina Lundry said no one had contacted them when asked about the claim. “As far as we know, everything went perfectly,” she said.

A day after the shoot Madonna uploaded a photo of herself on Instagram posing in a suit and newsboy cap for the magazine. She made no mention of the alleged theft.

“Working Armani For. L’Uomo Vogue! #artforfreedom,” she wrote.

Marquit’s handmade lingerie is well known in the fashion world and has been featured on the covers of several prominent fashion magazines. Other leading ladies to don the designer’s pricey lingerie include Hilary Swank, Rihanna and Britney Spears.

Madonna’s reps did not respond to requests for comment.

Additional reporting by Natasha Velez

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